what I wanted to tell Flo today (17/12/14):

  • I had tea with your parents and gave them a letter of good memories of you. they didn’t seem sad, just kind of weary. they’re both really attractive, you know? you look more like your dad, but they’re both good-looking like you. Georgie said your mum is really happy we still come over. that kind of made me sad, thinking that she might think we would forget about them and you that fast.
  • I had another ‘oh’ moment where it hit me that I’m going to have to live without you. like in the next few days I’ll have to start my revision, start living real life again, and soon enough I’ll have to go back to school, and you won’t. but I’m starting to understand that… basically Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief are complete bull and you yo-yo back and forth between acceptance and denial over and over again. it felt real when I got home and then it didn’t. it felt real at the funeral and then it didn’t. it felt real for a while today, but your mum said “it feels like she’s just on holiday,” and it does.
  • I want to start watching the 100, but there’s that whole revision thing, and also I can’t remember if you watched it. probably. you watched most trash shows, and this is sexy ethnically diverse sci-fi teen trash so it seems right up your street. I’d be wondering what you would think the whole time I watched it. all the tv we used to watch together, I don’t know how I’m gonna do that. texting you about our favourite shows was an integral part of watching the show for me. I’m practically panicking at the thought of the downton abbey christmas special without you. I don’t think I could ever watch teen wolf again. it’s such trash, all our shows are trash, and living without them shouldn’t make me this blue but it’s not really them I can’t face living without.
  • 16 and pregnant made me cry today. go figure.
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