what I wanted to tell Flo today (20/12/14):

  • tv was the medium we connected on, and we talked about real life in terms of characters and episodes, because that’s what made sense to us. I keep trying to make sense of this, as a plot device to promote character development, but I’m not developing. I’m just eating sugar and not revising and not cleaning my room and procrastinating seizing the day. I don’t think you could be too mad since you spent a fair bit of time procrastinating and not revising too. but I feel like you’d be better at grief than this. you’d rally us all and make us laugh, take our mind off things, text me to make sure I was studying, drag T out of the house every day. you were always the best of us.
  • you would have been the most popular character on your show, you know? the sweet, funny, snarky-sarcastic amazing friend, who’s usually the comic relief but sometimes you get thrown a really dark storyline and it’s just agonising for the viewers because you’re the heart of the show and if you’re not okay then nothing’s okay. the Stiles! you were the Stiles on your show! oh man, I can just see you fist-pumping at that thought. except that character (the Stiles, the Ron Weasley, the George O’Malley) is supposed to be sacred. safe from the bloodthirsty writers. you don’t kill that character. because the show isn’t worth watching without you.
  • my sister is madly in love with her gay maths teacher. she knows he’s gay – evidently the class have seen his same sex wedding pinterest board – but for her that only adds to his charm. it reminds me of how the token gay character on any show was automatically your baby. nothing about that should make me sad, but everything connected to you makes me sad.
  • except sometimes I remember the most ridiculous things about you, like how you swore to me your sister poops seven times a day. only you could make me resent being alive but keep me alive too.
  • I’m having a super long online convo with somebody about our fantasy movie: a high school AU of the Bible, like 10 Things I Hate About You but of the Gospels, with a soundtrack of boyband music and that cheesy high school movie chalk board writing in the credits. I can practically hear you and D bantering ideas about it over my head in RS. I’m sorry I got mad at you guys when you joked around in RS. I wish I’d spent less time worrying about my grade and more time loving being alive with you.

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