“tattoo it on your arm”

you need to tell her how you feel. just say it. say it again. say it differently. learn how to say it better. learn how to sing it. just write it in a poem, or in a letter attached to flowers. carve it in a tree, in a sidewalk with cement, tattoo it on your arm. just tell her the truth. tell her anything and everything you want.

– Melissa McCall, Teen Wolf


what I wanted to tell Flo today (23/1/15):

  • sometimes when people talk to me at school – just engage in a casual friendly way, ask how it’s going, whatever – I get so suddenly fucked off. and I’m a good social performer so I’m all, “not bad, you?” but if it was socially acceptable to just blurt your feelings to strangers and be a mean, angry bitch some days, I’d say, “fuck off. I don’t wanna talk to you. I don’t want to talk to anybody but Flo.”

what I wanted to tell Flo today (21/1/15):

  • med school is so hard. oh my god. I’ve only been back in lectures (post exams) 3 days and I’m behind. I think some of the tiredness and feeling like I missed key learning points is the ADHD. because we’ll have 3 or 4 straight hours of lectures from 9am and it’s too much for me to hold attention through. if I try I’m more tired but if I don’t try I miss more information so it’s kind of lose-lose. I’m gonna have a lot of catch up to do on the weekend.
  • I’m feeling pretty cut off from everybody right now. kinda lonely, like last term. the housing situation wasn’t working out and we had to split into 2 groups and I got a better deal with the grouping than a couple of my friends and they’re mad. the friendships were too fresh and tenuous for that sort of damage. the girls I am living with next year I don’t live with now and they’re not on my course so I barely see them. the girls I do live with are always out, and the boys mainly spend their days watching dumb YouTube videos. G can only text when she’s in wifi range so I’m even getting fewer messages from her and T these days. and none from you, obviously. it’s partly my fault, I know. I’m isolating because I’m trying to do better academically and because I don’t feel capable of doing long social engagements. I just have to make an effort to spend time with more people besides H. if she gets tired of me I’ll be totally alone.
  • I’m aware that that wins the prize for the most pathetic emo “nobody loves me” Holden Caulfield paragraph I’ve put on this blog. and it’s a blog addressed to my dead friend. that’s a high bar for emo. damn, Phoebe.
  • the last couple days, my favourite way to think of you has been to imagine us dancing together. to Avril or Taylor or Busted, just dancing like idiots and screaming along to the lyrics and falling around laughing. it’s exactly how I want to remember you and it’s so easy to do because you were always singing and dancing. badly. and I feel bittersweet happy-sad to see you that alive in my mind.
  • you had none of that life in you when you died. I’m almost grateful I didn’t see you when you were dying. I’d like to ask your parents or Y about it someday. but not yet.
  • I still haven’t read through our texts.

what I wanted to tell Flo today (18/1/15):

  • we’re real close to signing the lease on our house for next year (and a few more years after that, hopefully). it’s kind of exciting to imagine decorating my first house. I want the front room to look like the Gryffindor common room, all red, full of cushions and books and cozy as fuck.
  • G sent me this card to thank me for being there for her and it was so so nice. the group message I have going with her and T is keeping me alive, I’m glad we’re sending the love by snail mail too. I got them both these heart shaped boxes of chocolates, which I think are definitely supposed to be a romantic gift, but the way we text each other “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m here for you,” all the time is more supportive and loving than most romantic relationships, I’d bet. me and Y too. we’re all taking good care of each other, okay? don’t worry.
  • I randomly remembered today that they measured you as 5’4 in the hospital. and you were so excited about it, and kept bragging to anyone who would listen, and when I went to hang out with your parents over break they talked about how freaking thrilled you were to be 5’4. it made me happy to think of you happy, but kinda sad because we always said we were the same height – hobbit height – but you really had an inch on me. makes no sense that that one inch should bum me out, but yeah. that one inch got to me today.
  • I’m starting lessons again for proper tomorrow. I’m gonna try really hard this term, to keep on top of my notes and pay attention in lectures.
  • I love you. I know I said a couple days ago that the stabby sudden pain is gone, and it was what I associated with missing you, and now I just ache a little all the time, but this isn’t me forgetting you. right?

what I wanted to tell Flo today (15/1/15):

  • I had my last exam yesterday. it went okay, I think. last time I went in the anatomy lab I ran out crying, and this time I didn’t, so even if I don’t get a good grade I’d call it a personal success.
  • I bombed the first exam hard. I’m applying for special circumstances so we’ll see if they fail me or not. they might section me, I mean… I wrote about how between losing you and having to cram for these tests I’ve had really bad physical manifestations of stress, like heart palpitations and stuff. and I get at least an email a day telling me I should see the school counsellor. I’m starting to think they’re right.
  • I can’t get used to it being 2015 (I think I wrote 2014 on every one of my exam papers).
  • I am used to being without you now. I don’t get those sudden hit-you-in-the-chest realisations that you’re gone any more. it’s a constant. I know it now. I thought it would be better because the sudden remembering moments hurt a lot. but those were like cuts and this is like a muscle ache – the pain isn’t as sharp but it never goes  away. every second is muddled by it. like how you can’t think through a headache, I can’t think through this heartache. before, I was missing the times we had had, because I wasn’t seeing you any more. now I’m missing the times we won’t ever have, because I’m not going to see you again. I think it’ll get better, but all I can think right now is, dear God, if this is acceptance, take me back to denial.