what I wanted to tell Flo today (5/1/14):

  • I’ve been meaning to post again for ages but I got so busy. quick breakdown of the last week:
    • on the 29th – a trans girl called Leelah Alcorn committed suicide because her parents denied her identity. she wrote a suicide note on her blog, urging people to change the future for the better. it was eerie similar to how you accidentally eulogised yourself in the yearbook. it’s heartbreaking that she chose to die. it’s heartbreaking that you didn’t.
    • on the 30th – the days that are bad grief days strike so randomly and last Tuesday was one of those days. I hadn’t sat and sobbed my heart out for missing you for a while. really took me by surprise.
    • new year’s eve – went out in hammersmith with all the drama kids from school, just like old times, and drank a cocktail pitcher by myself, then we all got more alcohol and went back to my house and watched as fireworks burnt that piece of shit motherfucker 2014 to the ground. it was nice and it wasn’t. it still feels wrong whenever all of us meet up without you.
    • new year’s day – felt sick and didn’t want to move but I saw my dad anyway because it’s my resolution to have a good relationship with him and I can just imagine you hearing that and going “awwww Phoebs!” and you cannot imagine how much I miss that sound.
    • yesterday – I came back to uni. I was scared as hell because I left in such a hurry when I found out you had died, my room was a tip and I didn’t want to see it and remember the fresh feeling of having lost you. it turns out I’ve felt that loss ever since then so being here is the same as being anywhere. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
  • today we had revision sessions and as predicted I don’t know shit. I really have been trying to work hard, but I had to prioritise subduing the compulsion to swallow razors, you know? I guess whatever will be will be. I’m still gonna bust ass the next couple days though.
  • I’m not just doing this medic thing for myself anymore. I’m doing it for you. I’m doing it for Tallulah and everyone else who hates their degree. I’m doing it for my mum’s friend with Aids whose time is running out and for the trans kids purposely misgendered by ignorant medical professionals and for the addicts and the mentally and chronically ill patients treated like absolute shit by last generation’s doctors who weren’t taught the biopsychosocial model of health care. but most of all for you. I won’t cure cancer (maybe Ollie will) but I will save the people I can.
  • oh god, I know I’m not gonna die from the pain of existing but sometimes it feels like I might.
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