what I wanted to tell Flo today (15/1/15):

  • I had my last exam yesterday. it went okay, I think. last time I went in the anatomy lab I ran out crying, and this time I didn’t, so even if I don’t get a good grade I’d call it a personal success.
  • I bombed the first exam hard. I’m applying for special circumstances so we’ll see if they fail me or not. they might section me, I mean… I wrote about how between losing you and having to cram for these tests I’ve had really bad physical manifestations of stress, like heart palpitations and stuff. and I get at least an email a day telling me I should see the school counsellor. I’m starting to think they’re right.
  • I can’t get used to it being 2015 (I think I wrote 2014 on every one of my exam papers).
  • I am used to being without you now. I don’t get those sudden hit-you-in-the-chest realisations that you’re gone any more. it’s a constant. I know it now. I thought it would be better because the sudden remembering moments hurt a lot. but those were like cuts and this is like a muscle ache – the pain isn’t as sharp but it never goes  away. every second is muddled by it. like how you can’t think through a headache, I can’t think through this heartache. before, I was missing the times we had had, because I wasn’t seeing you any more. now I’m missing the times we won’t ever have, because I’m not going to see you again. I think it’ll get better, but all I can think right now is, dear God, if this is acceptance, take me back to denial.

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