what I wanted to tell Flo today (21/1/15):

  • med school is so hard. oh my god. I’ve only been back in lectures (post exams) 3 days and I’m behind. I think some of the tiredness and feeling like I missed key learning points is the ADHD. because we’ll have 3 or 4 straight hours of lectures from 9am and it’s too much for me to hold attention through. if I try I’m more tired but if I don’t try I miss more information so it’s kind of lose-lose. I’m gonna have a lot of catch up to do on the weekend.
  • I’m feeling pretty cut off from everybody right now. kinda lonely, like last term. the housing situation wasn’t working out and we had to split into 2 groups and I got a better deal with the grouping than a couple of my friends and they’re mad. the friendships were too fresh and tenuous for that sort of damage. the girls I am living with next year I don’t live with now and they’re not on my course so I barely see them. the girls I do live with are always out, and the boys mainly spend their days watching dumb YouTube videos. G can only text when she’s in wifi range so I’m even getting fewer messages from her and T these days. and none from you, obviously. it’s partly my fault, I know. I’m isolating because I’m trying to do better academically and because I don’t feel capable of doing long social engagements. I just have to make an effort to spend time with more people besides H. if she gets tired of me I’ll be totally alone.
  • I’m aware that that wins the prize for the most pathetic emo “nobody loves me” Holden Caulfield paragraph I’ve put on this blog. and it’s a blog addressed to my dead friend. that’s a high bar for emo. damn, Phoebe.
  • the last couple days, my favourite way to think of you has been to imagine us dancing together. to Avril or Taylor or Busted, just dancing like idiots and screaming along to the lyrics and falling around laughing. it’s exactly how I want to remember you and it’s so easy to do because you were always singing and dancing. badly. and I feel bittersweet happy-sad to see you that alive in my mind.
  • you had none of that life in you when you died. I’m almost grateful I didn’t see you when you were dying. I’d like to ask your parents or Y about it someday. but not yet.
  • I still haven’t read through our texts.
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