what I wanted to tell Flo today (19/2/15):

  • I passed my first semester exams!
  • everybody’s going out tonight to celebrate, and I can’t go clubbing because I don’t like it anyway and I know I’d get way too drunk to compensate for being uncomfortable and if I get drunk away from my own home I’ll cry and if I cry in public while drunk surrounded by my whole yeargroup I’ll just have to drop out. and that would be a waste because I passed my exams!! woohoo!
  • I’m going home for the weekend and seeing G who’s down from Scotland.
  • bloody hell, I feel almost happy right now.
  • (except I thought about watching the new season of Teen Wolf without you in June and choked up a little bit. but apart from that, a crying-free day, and you don’t get those that often.)

what I wanted to tell Flo today (18/2/15):

  • I watched a baby being delivered today. I have to be so careful with confidentiality, I can’t write a lot. it was beautiful like I thought it would be. but it was hard in a way I hadn’t predicted, to see that mother give to that baby and love that baby for the first time, and to understand how it would be to lose your baby better than I have before. I’m so happy for that new family, and my heart is breaking for yours. even though I know they’d rather have had you and lost you than never have had you. I think I’m going to write to your mum soon.

what I wanted to tell Flo today (16/2/15):

  • R came down to see me and stayed over last night and it was lovely. we went to the hobbit pub and we all worked together to complete the ‘fellowship challenge’ and get her the free t-shirt. I was gonna send you the second one I got, but since it couldn’t I feel really happy it went to one of our friends. like I’m still taking care of the pack in your absence. and toasted one to you.
  • we were playing cards against humanity at the same time and for, “what kills my sex drive?” somebody put, “all my friends being dead” and me and R just had to laugh because it was… too real.
  • we also danced to Shake It Off and didn’t cry and we talked into the night. a little about missing you, a little about other stuff. R had a friend who died right before you did, so we’re both in the two timers club and we’re both exceedingly tired and engaging in bad habits and psychologically speaking not at our best. whack as it sounds, it was so nice to be with someone with dead friends who feels lonely and fucked up. she has other people at uni with her who knew you, and down here I’ve got no one so I’m the weird sad girl who nobody can really identify with. but with R, like with the others during the holidays, we’re all in the same boat and it’s a shitty, splintering, leaky fucking boat but I’ve got somebody to share the journey with. I really wish I’d gone to uni with a friend from home. but how could I have known how much I’d need them, one year ago.
  • there’s vintage lesbians on Call the Midwife now. I seem to remember you didn’t watch it but your mum did, but between Miranda and the lesbians I think you’d have to now.

what I wanted to tell Flo today (13/2/15):

  • Flo, I’m really sorry I haven’t written to you in a while. my best friend from primary school, Zoe, committed suicide on 25/1/15. for a while I felt like I would have to mourn for her the same way as I mourn for you, and like it would be rude to keep writing to you if I didn’t write to her. nearly three weeks later I’m coming to understand that that’s just not possible. the circumstances are too different. I knew you in my recent years, in my hardest years, and yours too, and I feel the absence more keenly because your presence was constant. I knew Zoe in my easiest years, and hers, but she was sick for a long time before she died and I hadn’t seen her in about 4 years; I am used to living without her. I have great tangible memories of you, and my memories of Zoe are old and corrupt. she didn’t want to live and you didn’t get to live, and they’re both fucking tragic circumstances. I love you both differently. I miss you both differently. the greatest similarity is that you were hugely important people in my life, at one time or another, and changed my life for the better.
  • I’ve stopped praying sort of, and I always used to pray for your protection, and I don’t know if there is an afterlife or if you need protection in it, and I don’t know what the point of praying for it is which might be why I stopped. but that was one time every day I always thought of you and I feel guilty not to be doing it, because I’m so scared of moving on and forgetting. maybe I should pick it back up again. and your family still needs protection certainly, and Zoe’s too.
  • it’s still achy to be without you. I still compare my new friends to you and they come off the worse for it, and then I get antisocial and isolate and the aching gets worse.
  • god, Flo, you would love Agent Carter so much. Hayley Atwell is so beautiful, and the cinematography is so beautiful, and the vintage costume and the vintage music. it was “perfect transplant recovery tv,” I remember the exact words, and I was right, it would have been.  the fact that it isn’t and I’m watching it without you hurts like fiction shouldn’t.
  • and Flo, they’re recasting Spider-Man because Marvel got the rights back from Sony, and I know you’d be upset that Andrew Garfield is out but you’d be so happy that they’re considering Dylan O’Brien for the replacement.
  • I’m having a little melt-down. I forgot how good it feels to talk to you. I’ve really missed this. I won’t leave it so long next time. I love you.