what I wanted to tell Flo today (13/2/15):

  • Flo, I’m really sorry I haven’t written to you in a while. my best friend from primary school, Zoe, committed suicide on 25/1/15. for a while I felt like I would have to mourn for her the same way as I mourn for you, and like it would be rude to keep writing to you if I didn’t write to her. nearly three weeks later I’m coming to understand that that’s just not possible. the circumstances are too different. I knew you in my recent years, in my hardest years, and yours too, and I feel the absence more keenly because your presence was constant. I knew Zoe in my easiest years, and hers, but she was sick for a long time before she died and I hadn’t seen her in about 4 years; I am used to living without her. I have great tangible memories of you, and my memories of Zoe are old and corrupt. she didn’t want to live and you didn’t get to live, and they’re both fucking tragic circumstances. I love you both differently. I miss you both differently. the greatest similarity is that you were hugely important people in my life, at one time or another, and changed my life for the better.
  • I’ve stopped praying sort of, and I always used to pray for your protection, and I don’t know if there is an afterlife or if you need protection in it, and I don’t know what the point of praying for it is which might be why I stopped. but that was one time every day I always thought of you and I feel guilty not to be doing it, because I’m so scared of moving on and forgetting. maybe I should pick it back up again. and your family still needs protection certainly, and Zoe’s too.
  • it’s still achy to be without you. I still compare my new friends to you and they come off the worse for it, and then I get antisocial and isolate and the aching gets worse.
  • god, Flo, you would love Agent Carter so much. Hayley Atwell is so beautiful, and the cinematography is so beautiful, and the vintage costume and the vintage music. it was “perfect transplant recovery tv,” I remember the exact words, and I was right, it would have been.  the fact that it isn’t and I’m watching it without you hurts like fiction shouldn’t.
  • and Flo, they’re recasting Spider-Man because Marvel got the rights back from Sony, and I know you’d be upset that Andrew Garfield is out but you’d be so happy that they’re considering Dylan O’Brien for the replacement.
  • I’m having a little melt-down. I forgot how good it feels to talk to you. I’ve really missed this. I won’t leave it so long next time. I love you.

One thought on “what I wanted to tell Flo today (13/2/15):

  1. I read a few, then tear up and have to leave, because I can so relate. But then I can come back and read some more little gems, like you saying it is nice to hang with someone who has dead friends. I can so relate. I just wrote about the freaking moment of almost…peace that it was when I realized my friend, with a dead friend actually understood my grief.
    I’m almost reveling in reading you and knowing sadly, just what you mean.
    Of course, I am sorry for your loss. This club sucks to be in and I want a refund.


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