what I wanted to tell Flo today (27/4/15):

  • I am sooo wiped, I had 6 hours of lectures today starting at 9am. we’ve got 4 weeks to finish the heart and do all of the kidney. this term is kicking my arse.
  • Age of Ultron was a total disappointment. so not worth the hours I spent crying beforehand because I didn’t want to see it without you – really, you’d be so embarrassed by the emotional turmoil that preceded me seeing this film. it got to the point where I was considering not going, but I made a really good bowl of pasta before I left and that settled me somewhat. cheesey carbs can fix anything.
  • back to the point: Natasha, Clint and Steve were characterised horribly, Bruce boringly, the others not so bad. Joss Whedon threw away all the work The Avengers and The Winter Soldier put into Clint/Natasha and paired her up with Bruce instead. they had no chemistry, possibly because Mark Ruffalo is a lot older than ScarJo, although they have the same birthday (it’s also my birthday, fun fact). I still wish I’d seen it with you. I want to know what you thought of it, like maybe your perspective would change my mind. tell you what, you would have loved Aaron Johnson making snarky comebacks in a vaguely Slavic accent, every bit as handsome as he was in Angus Thongs. but this didn’t hurt like it used to, having to do ‘us’ things alone. maybe because it was a bad movie.
  • I had a lovely facebook convo with your sister yesterday. I was really unsure if I should contact your family at all, I’ve written about that before. I figured they barely knew me before you got sick and they might be disgruntled by me offering support, like what right do I have bringing it up, preventing them from moving on, because I’m a kid and I don’t know them and I don’t know you like they do. at least that’s how I feel when people from school who barely know me and barely knew you try to talk to me about you and how I’m feeling. I should have known better. your whole family are so kind, like I don’t know your brother well but your sister is just about the loveliest woman on the planet, tied for the title with your mum maybe, and your dad is so funny and dadly and sweet. I say it all the time, but they deserve better to have lost you. anyway your sister’s got a job at your old primary school I’m going round to your house when I’m home from uni to hear all about it, and to see your parents’ new puppy. I don’t know what breed it is, but she sent me a picture and he’s absolutely gorgeous, like Truly will be jealous of the new baby no doubt. and they’re calling him Ziggy Stardust, just like you wanted ❤

you missed brunch


the wolfpack got together at my house before we went back to uni. brunch, like we used to do in Malta. B made her eggs, R made the pancakes, G&T did the washing up (terribly and clogged the sink). it was lovely; we’re our funniest, freest, most genuine selves when we’re all together. but of course it’s not the same, we’re not all together and we won’t be again. you can see the gap in the picture where you ought to be.

what I wanted to tell Flo today (22/4/15):

I know this is the same shit I always always always post but, Flo, I don’t want to see Age of Ultron without you. I have to go with a bunch of dumb boys, and okay I like some of them but there’s a couple real dicks in the group whom I did not invite, and I don’t want to go any more. I mean, Jesus, they won’t even clear out of the hallway in front of my room so I can cry in peace. I don’t want the things you were looking forward to to happen without you, I don’t want to see this movie without you, I don’t want to live without you. you deserve to be here. this is so shitty.

“poetry, beauty, romance, love: these are what we stay alive for” / what I wanted to tell Flo today (21/4/15):

we don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. we read and write poetry because we are members of the human race! and the human race is filled with passion!and medicine, law, business, engineering: these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance, love: these are what we stay alive for. to quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” answer: that you are here – that life exists, and identity. that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. what will your verse be?

– monologue from Dead Poets Society, spoken by Robin Williams

(I’m reading this as the intro for my group’s final piece for medical humanities. it reminds me that even if school and isolation are making life feel very bleak, some good tv or a movie can pick you back up. that was always your philosophy. some movie from 1989 beat you to it, but you’ll never make a movie now so I’m glad somebody put this message out there. it made me think of your yearbook eulogy too. I’ll put that up here some day. actually, I’m getting into embroidery like I said I would, and I’d love to embroider out your yearbook rant and frame it in my new house in London. then I could have the Iron Man plaque you gave me in my new house in Southampton and have a piece of you with me in every new home. would love a stable home. but if there’s one thing I’ve learned you can’t fight it’s the turning of the seasons and the pouring of the sands of time and change change change change change. I don’t want to fight it, to be honest with you. time heals all wounds and it’s healing the divine incision that separated me from you.)

(I tagged this with acceptance. first time I’ve used that tag. change is good.)

what I wanted to tell Flo today (12/4/15):

  • Game of Thrones starts again tonight and I’ve got a couple problems. first, they’ve run out of books which means they’ll be making stuff up and the stuff they make up is usually just more rape, which I really feel there’s enough of to begin with. I also have that achey thing where I used to watch it with you, and you were all excited for the new season, and now you don’t get to see it and I don’t want to see it without you. and then there’s the heavy themes of loss, especially with Jon and Sansa who are my faves, and I don’t want to feel their grief vicariously, I’ve got my own. I couldn’t even finish Agent Carter, because she missed Steve and I miss you and you never got to see Agent Carter; I swear to God, Flo, I’ll be mad about that my whole life. so I’ll probably still watch Game of Thrones, and I’ll tell you what happens, but I’ll be thinking of that big card I made for the wall of your hospital room with Jon and Ygritte on the front.
  • I wonder what happened to that stuff on your wall, all the cards and the pictures. what about that binder that had letters in? and the Downton Abbey puzzle? do your nurses from the first hospital know you didn’t make it? is the one who had breast cancer doing okay? the one who talked to me on skype about Pickman line placement? those nurses adored you, you were there total favourite patient. I’m glad you moved hospitals and they didn’t have to watch you go.
  • I’m really mad at God right now. I know that’s some basic shit, like of course kid cancer makes you question your faith. of course the death of a brilliant individual with more drive and potential to have an amazing life than anybody I know would make me question a benevolent creator. but I still believe in God. I just don’t trust the bastard.

what I wanted to tell Flo today (9/4/15):

  • G made me this friendship bracelet and on her suggestion I’ve gotten into cathartic crafting. friendship bracelets at the minute, but I’m gonna branch out into embroidery, so I can make needle points of rap lyrics like Taylor Swift. it’s honestly quite addictive, it’s like when you get a new game on your phone and you can’t stop playing it, I can’t stop tying knots in fucking yarn and I’ve made like 7 bracelets in 3 days.
  • studying makes me so stressed and sad, and I need to not push myself over the edge at the minute, so I worked very hard for 2 days and minimally today, and I’m alright with that. now I’m just watching tv. and weaving like Little House on the fucking Prairie- I’m honestly so confused by this crafting compulsion.
  • I registered to vote and I might vote green because I’m a bleeding heart liberal and I like the NHS.
  • I can’t remember if I told you, but your boy Eddie Redmayne won an Oscar. I know you’d be over the moon.