what I wanted to tell Flo today (5/4/15):

  • so this is a weird one because it’s not the sort of thing I would have admitted to you when you were alive. but my mum wants me to see a counsellor. we went away together and she said I’ve got all dark and spooky and negative. I kind of thought I was doing okay, but I guess we only have our perspective, and especially since I live alone and my uni friends don’t know how I was before and my home friends are fucked up too. I’ll do what she says though. you always sung the praises of counselling, and your recovery was amazing. you went running! I’d like to go running. I’d like someone to teach me how to be okay again.
  • I actually remember your dad saying the regular exercise you’d been doing, post-depression pre-cancer, was probably what kept you alive for so long in those weeks when things were dicey. you took care of your body so it put up a fight for you. I’d like to be able to rely on that, if I was ever dying. which obviously I’m regularly paranoid I am.
  • I’m afraid to fly now. that one’s new. I’ve been on so many flights in my life I can’t count and never been nervous, but there was a plane crash a few weeks ago where the depressed co-pilot purposely crashed the plane to kill himself and everyone on it. and a plane crash is so statistically improbable… but so is a healthy young person dying of ALL, and so is the death of two best friends in 2 months when you’re all 19 years old, so I don’t have much faith in favourable statistics. my in-flight entertainment on the way out was just panicking for 8 straight hours, but it wasn’t as bad on the way home so maybe (fingers crossed) this will be a short-lived symptom.
  • I also watched Pride on the plane and that made me cry hard because I get all sad and bitter when I see media you would have loved and you’re missing. there’s no wifi in the air, obviously, and I was in this weird panicky state because of my new-found fear of flying and I was just so distressed I couldn’t google when Pride came out and so I didn’t know if you had seen it. I genuinely considered asking a flight attendant when in 2014 it was released. because if you hadn’t been in hospital you would definitely have gone to see it, and you would have loved it. but it came out in September I found out, so you didn’t I guess. maybe your dad’s seen it. I’d recommend it to him if he hasn’t.
  • I actually haven’t talked to your parents since January. it’s so bad of me I know, but I don’t even know how to start that conversation. maybe I’ll ask a counsellor.
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