what I wanted to tell Flo today (12/4/15):

  • Game of Thrones starts again tonight and I’ve got a couple problems. first, they’ve run out of books which means they’ll be making stuff up and the stuff they make up is usually just more rape, which I really feel there’s enough of to begin with. I also have that achey thing where I used to watch it with you, and you were all excited for the new season, and now you don’t get to see it and I don’t want to see it without you. and then there’s the heavy themes of loss, especially with Jon and Sansa who are my faves, and I don’t want to feel their grief vicariously, I’ve got my own. I couldn’t even finish Agent Carter, because she missed Steve and I miss you and you never got to see Agent Carter; I swear to God, Flo, I’ll be mad about that my whole life. so I’ll probably still watch Game of Thrones, and I’ll tell you what happens, but I’ll be thinking of that big card I made for the wall of your hospital room with Jon and Ygritte on the front.
  • I wonder what happened to that stuff on your wall, all the cards and the pictures. what about that binder that had letters in? and the Downton Abbey puzzle? do your nurses from the first hospital know you didn’t make it? is the one who had breast cancer doing okay? the one who talked to me on skype about Pickman line placement? those nurses adored you, you were there total favourite patient. I’m glad you moved hospitals and they didn’t have to watch you go.
  • I’m really mad at God right now. I know that’s some basic shit, like of course kid cancer makes you question your faith. of course the death of a brilliant individual with more drive and potential to have an amazing life than anybody I know would make me question a benevolent creator. but I still believe in God. I just don’t trust the bastard.

2 thoughts on “what I wanted to tell Flo today (12/4/15):

  1. Isn’t that something? The whole God thing? I’ve never been Christian, or believed there’s an old guy in a white robe living in the clouds and calling it Heaven (Simplistic explanation, at that). But I have always been spiritual, and into the Universe, and creating right along with the Universe. I suppose I would call that my God. The thing is, according to what I believe (We are all one and part of the Universe and our words are more powerful than we know. Otherwise we wouldn’t say such negative things about the self or others,) I helped create the loss of my best friend.
    Her death has fucked with my head in ways I didn’t expect to have happen at age 50.
    I’m so sorry you know this same loss, but I am grateful you write, because I can read about things I think and feel and don’t feel so god damned lost on this journey that has become all consuming in my life. Living without Mel.


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