what I wanted to tell Flo today (1/5/15):

I can’t believe one of my best friends died of cancer. and one died of suicide. I’m 19 years old. I’ve never even lost a pet before. I mean I can remember it, you were in my life and then you were sick and then you were gone, but I never thought it would happen and I still kind of can’t believe. it feels like someone else’s life.

I reckon this is the calm before the storm, before one of those big breakdowns when I realise how much I lost and it’s the worst pain in the world for 45 minutes and after that I don’t forget again for a while. it’s the ebbs and flows of this thing that are killing me – sharp pain, dull pain, surreal relief, sharp pain, dull pain, all over again.


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