what I wanted to tell Flo today (13/5/15):

  • I’m feeling pretty hopeless today. there’s no earthly way that in the next 3 weeks I can catch up on all the things I didn’t learn last term. I didn’t give a shit about school between Christmas and Easter. I didn’t skipped a whole term of anatomy because seeing the corpses of people somebody must be missing made me so sad. now I’m working as hard as I can but I’m not getting anywhere. I don’t see how I can pass these exams. so I’ll have to retake in August and I’ll miss out on having a real work-free break over the summer. I so desperately want to be the kind of doctor that would make you proud but I might not even pass first year.
  • there’s a couple things going on besides the crazy workload. I’m taking medication for ADHD now, for the first time in my life, and it’s made such an enormous difference in how I focus but I still have such conflicted feelings about it. I’m scared of becoming dependent, and winding up an addict like everybody else in my family. the side effects are really bad, like I’m really shaky, and I’m never hungry any more and I keep not eating and I’m scared if I tell my doctor they’ll take me off it and now I’ve seen the light I don’t want to go back. I’m scared it’s secretly a placebo because it came in a weird looking bottle. I’m scared I’m gonna collapse from sudden unexplained cardiac death because it drives my heart rate up so high. and I keep thinking if I died before these exams it’d be alright but if I have to take them and fail them and then I die I’ll be really pissed. I think you’d laugh at that.
  • I could really use a dose of your “fuck school, do what makes you feel good” don’t give a shit attitude right now. I don’t mean I want it myself, I want to hear it from you. I want to see you tell me. I want to feel you next to me on the common room sofas while you rant about how life’s too short. I fucking miss you today.
  • I tried counselling today, like I said I would, but I didn’t like it. I feel like nobody but my mum, I and T understands what was so great about Zoe. yes, the games she made up were super weird and always had an element of danger, not physically but psychologically they were kind of spooky. but it was the good kind of unsafe, like you feel when you read a mystery novel. it’s devastating that her powerful imagination got away from her, and games became delusions, but it doesn’t negate the fact that her spooky brilliant creativity made my childhood exceptional. and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD the next BASIC BITCH that insinuates suicide is a cowardly choice made by people who don’t really care about the feelings of their friends and family is getting FUCKING TOLD. she didn’t choose to die from a fatal illness the same way you didn’t choose to.
  • I hate that I can know that this little burst of sad will go away soon but it doesn’t make me any less sad.
  • on the bright side your parents got their puppy and he is very beautiful.

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