what I wanted to tell Flo today (22/5/15):

  • I figured out you’re 47 days older than me, so on January 25th I became older than you ever got to be. right now when I think of you, you’re still older and wiser and more mature than I am (okay, I mean about life not about dick jokes). not like I imagine you ageing because I can’t, but I guess I haven’t matured much in 5 months and you were more than 47 days more mature than me. it’s my half-birthday today, and in 6 months I’ll be in my twenties. at some point in my twenties, with you frozen at 19, I’m going to start thinking of you like you’re a baby and that’s scary. Zoe is frozen at about 11 in my head, 14 max. because that was the last time I saw her, but she was always kind of my baby even though she was older. what if I get older and I don’t understand you any more, because old people don’t get teenagers, and you’ll always be a teenager to me? I don’t think I could ever forget, but there’s stuff like your laugh that you can’t write down.
  • I still don’t like counselling. in theory it’s great, I think it’s the lady I don’t like because her ‘deep prying questions’ are actually so basic. I’m like, “the last 2 times I watched The Prince of Egypt someone died so I’m probably never gonna watch it again” and she’s like, “do you think that’s rational?” nooo obviously not, sweater lady, but this whole thing has made me a highly irrational person mistrustful of probability. 85% chance you’d be cured of cancer. one in a million million chance you and Zoe would both go, right now, in the year my parents divorced, I started uni and I moved 6 time (ps hello God, anybody ever tell you not to throw the baby out with the bathwater). it’s not rational to wonder who of my friends could be next, or to figure it’ll be someone else born in October, since you both were, or to check my facebook calendar for October birthdays so I can pray for everyone I know born in that month that I don’t kill them by loving them because I’m the spooky bad omen friend. it’s not rational to wonder about fate because the day Zoe died was the day I became older than you were at your oldest. “there’s no such thing as fate,” you’d say. “there’s no such thing as werewolves.”
  • I keep telling people I don’t know that well that I love them, and it’s freaking them out. they don’t know it’s because I’m freaked out that they’ll die without knowing how loved and important they are. it’s like your godfather said at your funeral, “I hope you knew it all along,” but I don’t think you did and that’s just… not right. you are so loved and you are so important but I didn’t tell you enough. so I want to tell other people but it upsets them, or it’s awkward, I don’t know. I might just start telling you instead.
  • here’s one to start: G is one of the most amazing people I know, and I bet she has no idea. she’s so funny, like right up there with you, and just unfailingly kind. she always knows exactly what to say or do to make you feel better, like sending Always Look on the Bright Side of Life to pretty much anyone who’s just been diagnosed with cancer would be such a dodgy move, but it was just right for you and you loved it. and it’s just instinctual! she’s just instinctually good and compassionate! we text every day and I always want to tell her how much I love her, and one of the only memories I have of last term (because I have a 3 month gap in my memory but we can talk about that some other time) was getting her letters, that’s how important they were to me. I think she’d be embarrassed, but I think you’d agree with me. she’s the kind of person I want to be when I grow up.
  • they did something really fucked up on Game of Thrones. I’m not gonna talk about it, because if you don’t know you’re better off not knowing, but you’d be really mad.
  • I think I might pass these exams. annoying counsellor lady pointed out I’d do better in them and in my degree in the long haul if I postponed and took them in the resit period in August, and it was doubly annoying because she’s right. but I just want to get them done and move on with my life. I am so ready for this year to end.
  • I’m not gonna lie, I cried a lot writing this one.
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3 thoughts on “what I wanted to tell Flo today (22/5/15):

  1. I love that I come here and read things I can relate to. I have a 4 month gap.
    I’ll always have better penis jokes than Mel.
    The need to oddly tell people I love them or to tell them to run home call, hug and love their best friend. Always say I love you as your last words.
    I’m an October birthday.
    19, but amazing.
    Thank you for writing and using the tag grief. I definitely love you for that. Your witting is helping me.

    Like

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