what I wanted to tell Flo today (18/6/15):

  • I’ve been back from uni about a week and it’s been lovely. really nice weather, park hopping around London, cocktails in the sunshine, playing Cards Against Humanity. sometimes someone shares a memory of you and we get that bittersweet thing where it’s achey to be without you but really good to be with other people who remember you and have good stories. it’s hard too because I was with you all of last summer until you went into hospital. scary to think it’s coming up on a year since your diagnosis.
  • you would laugh so hard at my current ‘set list’ for prayers. I mean, you have complete contempt for religion so you would laugh anyway, and my family aren’t so religious and never really taught me how to do it so I’m sure it’s totally abnormal. but I’m aiming for once a day at the minute and I’m asking:
    • God, please look after Flo and Zoe for me.
    • please look after L and L, and K (Zoe’s family)
    • please look after R and A, F and F (your family)
    • and please look after Truly and Ziggy Stardust, amen. (yes, I pray daily for your dogs.)
  • my mum won’t let me meet her sort-of boyfriend yet, and I really want to. I’m so judgemental though, I think she’s nervous I’ll reject him as Unworthy. if you thought I was bad with our friends’ boyfriends just imagine how protective I am of my mother. we’re getting on pretty good because she likes that I’m a helpful adult now, but I do feel the responsibility and it makes me a little scared and tense and snappy.
  • my sister, meanwhile, claims she can commune with the dead. she said some benevolent spirits helped her through her maths A level, and there were lots of ghosts at Exeter when she went for an open day. she even claims to have seen one today. so I’m 87% sure she’s full of shit, but you know I run anxious and she is such a little weirdo there’s part of me that worries she’s psychotic and having hallucinations. but I’ve probably just got schizophrenia on my mind because I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds and because of Zoe, right?
  • idk Flo, I should probably sort out this constant pervasive anxiety thing. it’s weird because I feel like I’ve always lived like this in a way, calculating worst case scenarios, feeling real fear that they’ll come to pass, and navigating my life to avoid that worst outcome. it’s just that all that fear was validated by losing two very close friends one after the other, so now it’s less easy to dismiss those fears as irrational. but I have always sort of lived with mad high anxiety and I probably would have kept on contently if I hadn’t started this – letter writing, journalling, blogging, whatever you want to call it. doing a real honest inventory of myself as I grieve. and thinking about who I want to grow up to be. I don’t want to live like this forever, you know, I want to be brave and not held back by fears. my experience of counselling was so shitty, but it’s probably worth trying again. anyway, thanks for being a sounding board for all this garbage. I love you.
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One thought on “what I wanted to tell Flo today (18/6/15):

  1. I had it all figured out in 2011. I had let go of fear and replaced it with love. I was changing in ways I never thought I would change. I knew things. Just instinctively. Then Mel died and it took NO TIME for the fear to creep back in, even though I know better.
    I go read things I wrote when I was in the throws of a spiritual high and I still know these things, but they are so muted now. I’m trying to really let the fear go again, but knowing anyone can die, anytime, scares me like a little girl and I don’t like feeling immobilized.
    PTSD.
    That’s what it is, and I have to find a way to deal with it. God doesn’t do it for me, but then that might not be true. Organized religion or what I call for profit religion doesn’t do it for me. I look for my solace in the Universe and the belief that I can co-create with it.
    Maybe I really did go crazy.

    Like

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