what I wanted to tell Flo today (5/5/2015):

  • got a little emotional today, missing you, as one does. I was trying to find your chemo playlist on spotify and I couldn’t, and I got so freaked out like, what if it was deleted? because that would mean another little part of you was gone. T sent me the link to it but it wouldn’t open and I just got so frustrated and in that mood where you just feel like howling out of injury and tiredness. it didn’t help that I had a long working day. well sort of a long working week. sort of a long working career. I make bad choices. wish I’d done film like you did. well, like you didn’t.
  • we did come up with a new safe word though, me and T. “Russell Howard” means “I want to say something to do with Flo but I don’t want to catch you off guard in case you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable,” and then you can say if it’s okay to proceed. like, “Russell Howard?” “yeah don’t worry go ahead.” I’m pretty sure you’d find this hilarious.
  • Mad Men gets me all worked up about gender inequality. it’s probably good you never watched much of it, with your tendency to explode with all-consuming rage. always for a good cause though. always raging against some injustice or another. I’ve inherited that part of you at least. and the way they treat Joan on Mad Men. and the way the mathletes treat R at Cambridge!! eurgh you’d be so cross.
  • I miss Rev B. or I miss having some spiritual guidance. I don’t really want to bother her though. plus the last time I emailed her just to rekindle contact she emailed back with condolences because you died that afternoon. I won’t do it again, no, no jinx.
  • I was actually talking to a friend here at uni about the weird anti-abortion lecture I accidentally went to the day before you died and how shitty and long that day was, and I almost told her too that the next day turned out to be even longer and shittier. I kind of just swallowed my words and mumbled my way out of the sentence. after all this time I still don’t know if it’s fucked up not to be able to share or if it’s healthy not to talk about my dead friends to my living friends all the time. is it that I can’t confide or that I’m sensibly choosing not to? thoughts? just kidding.